Where do I start on a subject such as miscarriage? It's completely overwhelming, yet so familiar to countless women and their families. I guess I will start with this.
I miscarried yet again. I went into the ER today after being up early this morning with pain in my abdomen followed by bleeding. We were worried that it might be another ectopic, with the pain being on my left side, which is where my last fallopian tube is (the first was removed during my first ruptured ectopic pregnancy... My OB is out of town for a week and the backup doctor told us to go to the ER. They took multiple blood and urine tests. They gave a pelvic exam and later a vaginal ultrasound. My HCG levels are significantly lower and the ultrasound found lots of fluid in my uterus. They are still unsure as to whether it is a normal miscarriage or an ectopic, but they are leaning towards a normal miscarriage. They told me to follow up with my backup doctor first thing Monday morning and to check on my HCG levels. We are praying that it's not an ectopic. If this were the case, then they would have to surgically remove the tube and baby and that would be the end to the possibility of getting pregnant (this would be my third abdominal surgery).
Why? Why this timing? Why not allow my body to grow this baby? This isn't fair! Why do I have to suffer through this so many times? Why does this always have to be so complicated for me? Why does this have to happen right before our family trip? We were supposed to leave tomorrow morning. Why do my dreams of having a bigger family keep getting stopped? Am I not as good of a mother as those who have been blessed with larger families? Why do you keep saying no to this process, God? Have I done something wrong? Why can't you just heal my body and make it work the way it's supposed to work? Why can't you answer my prayers in the way I want them answered?
These are just some of the thoughts that have gone through my head. I KNOW that they are not all true and that Satan wants me to feel less of myself. He wants to harden my heart and to make me feel anger and resentment towards God. This is exactly how I felt the last time I had an ectopic miscarriage. I was so angry and felt resentment towards God and then I stopped spending as much time with Him. I felt my prayers were pointless. I felt like He didn't care about my feelings or desires. That was exactly what Satan wanted to do. He took that situation and turned me against God. It's not that I didn't believe in Jesus, but I didn't believe in the plan He had for me. I didn't believe that He cared very much for me and my own plans. I didn't see the bigger picture.
This time around is so very different. I am completely at peace with this change in my own plans. I have learned so much since the last miscarriage. I have learned that Gods plans for me are so much bigger and grander then I could ever imagine. These plans may not be in my radar right now and it may look completely unfair to many, but I know that I would rather be a part of His plans then try and fight them. I would rather allow our relationship to grow through this time then allow Satan to pull us apart. I can ask God for help and He will provide for me. I can't ask the same for Satan. Satan is only destructive and hurtful. He is the one who caused my loneliness last time. I let him manipulate me into thinking that I would be better off mourning by myself, isolating myself from others, because I felt like no one could possibly understand all that I was going through. What through me off so many times were the comments and words of advice from people around me, some with no experience and others with similar experiences. No one will have the exact same experience, I have learned. You are unique and your story will always be original. You can't expect to be fully understood by people and that's ok, because God is the only one that can truly understand you and give you the unlimited and consistent support. We don't always need advice. We need a listening ear, words of biblical encouragement, prayer, true friendships that are willing to check in on us consistently, but remember that even those friends can't be there for you all of the time. You can't even expect your best friends or your spouses to fully support you. It's impossible and unfair to place those expectations on them. But the Lord will always be with you if you just ask and remember that this is just a process of something much greater then we can understand right now.
I see it like this. My family can choose to be angry at God and completely disown Him for not giving a shit about our plans and desires. OR. My family can just deal with it alone and not let it tear us down or build us up. OR. My family can choose to grow through this experience and allow God to work through us and to be of encouragement to those around us.
This isn't a hard choice for me anymore, BUT it has taken me years to get to this point. I am not holding grudges anymore. I am choosing to love and be loved. I am choosing to grow and to encourage. I am choosing to allow my emotions to show and to allow people to see the reality of how hard life can be, rather then suppress them and try to deal with them on my own (this has been a real challenge to me as I hate showing my emotions). I don't want people to have pity on me. I want people to take joy in the life that God has planned. I am choosing to be thankful for what God has already given to me. This doesn't mean that there will never be days of frustration or heartache, but it does mean that in those moments I am choosing to ask God for His help. That's all. I am choosing to accept His love and His plan for me and to love Him back in return. He will guide me the rest of the way. I truly believe this, because I have already experienced it in my past. It's not easy. He never said it would be. But He did say to trust Him and I am learning every day how to be more thankful in the good and bad, the easy and the hard.